Monday, February 7, 2011

Endure through hope

Today I return to the blogosphere after an extended hiatus. I must apologize for the delay as the new year didn't quite start the way I was hoping it would. As you know, I like to see life as an adventure, but sometimes that adventure can take us over some bumpy and sometimes bleak trails. My husband and I were about to embark on a great adventure, the adventure of parenthood.

I found out I was pregnant on December 1, 2010.
I found out I had miscarried on January 3, 2011.

The new year should always be full of hopes and prospects that you didn't get around to fulfilling, or that didn't come to fruition in the past year. It's somewhat harder when some of your hopes have been shattered. At least, that was how I felt for this past month... broken.

I have felt so sad, angry and unworthy, like something was wrong with me. My thoughts have constantly been trying to remember if there was something I had done wrong, eaten wrong, slept wrong. Why did this happen to me? Me!? So many women I know are pregnant right now, or just had their first child and here I am having just lost my first... IT'S NOT FAIR! No, it's not fair but sometimes that's how it goes. I can't blame myself, this happens to so many women and my doctor even told me that it happens so often, only many women don't even realize they are pregnant making it less emotionally painful. But I did know I was pregnant, something I had wanted for so long. There is a quote that goes something like "we can't ask in sorrow 'why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes to us".

I am so blessed. My happiness comes from my family. I have the most amazing husband who took every chance to hold me and tell me that it was going to be ok and that everything happens for a reason. My loving mother, father, sister and brother who made sure I knew how much I am loved and that all was not lost. I can't imagine going through this without so much love surrounding me.

It feels like more than just a month since January 3 and it feels like I've lived and worn out every sad and angry emotion available to me. I'm still sad at times, I think I always will be. My life will never be the same after this detour through this rough, wintery road. But like my wise husband says... everything happens for a reason. I may not understand the reason, but whatever it may be, I will accept it without further explanation and continue on my adventure, carving a new path beyond the gray. We plan to try again soon and everyday I move a little further toward my goals with my heart full of hope. Hope guides us on our adventures and as long as it remains we endure.

1 comment:

Pete said...

My Dear Sweet Daughter,
It is hard to see the keyboard through the tears, but I have a smile as wide as the Grand Canyon because you are the source of endless pride and joy. When I read what you write with such emotion and preternatural hope I am bouyed with hope for our future. Because of you I have hope, and I know that there are more like you. We will be fine!